When cooking (or otherwise interacting) with meats, it is important to be able to distinguish between the different kinds. Not only do they have different textures and flavour profiles, they also have different toxicity indices and cultural significances. The meats are broken into four categories:
Hooved Meats
- These are your most common meats, comprised mainly of Beef, Lamb, Pork, Horse, and Forest Beef.
- Animals containing hooved meat, as the name may suggest, typically have hooves.
- Many cultures are adverse to eating hooved meats, or a subset thereof.
- Indian culture, particularly west and north India, typically abstain from beef.
- The Druids near the colorful lake don't partake of forest beef or lamb (though they still kill the lamb).
Taloned Meats
- These are your bird and bird-like meats. Carriers of taloned meat often fly.
- American culture celebrates taloned meat, often making it the centerpiece of many festive meals.
- Typically less flavourful than the other meats.
- Relies heavily on spices to carry the dish.
- Generally overrated.
Finned Meats
- Carriers of finned meat live in the water, making hunting them more difficult.
- Finned meats have a much higher toxicity index compared to the other meats.
- Not suitable for most tomato-based pasta dishes.
- Hardshell finned meat is one of the most common food allergies in humans and horses.
- A handful of cultures will only consume finned meats.
Footed Meats
- Footed meat is often illegal to consume. Legal footed meat is almost always considered exotic.
- As one would expect, the flavour is vastly superior to all other meats.
- Improperly obtained or prepared footed meat is the leading cause of unnatural death in America's 1%, behind diseases, accidents, and on-purposes.
- The other-other white meat is a footed meat, and comes in a variety of colours, though they affect the consistency significantly more than the flavour.
- We can not legally sell you footed meat, so please do not contact us asking to buy some, and do not attempt to use offer code IWANTFOOTEDMEAT for 20% off your first order.*
So there you have it. Hopefully this guide will help you avoid embarrassing mistakes and subsequent interactions at the dinner table this cooking season. When you inevitably fail, remember that Arby's is always there for all of your meat-based needs. Arby's: They Have The Meats.
*Terms and conditions apply. Limit one per customer. Not applicable to the Footed Meat sample tins. Cannot be combined with any other promotional offer. Safety not guaranteed. What is done cannot be undone. Offer may be available at participating Arby's locations. Not sure, haven't asked.